Flushed

Author’s Note: Caution Crude Humor Ahead!

“A hair! A long hair in the middle of the drain!” I screamed through the bathroom door. It might seem unremarkable at first, but I’d been looking everywhere for a sign. And there it was, “A long hair. A brown long hair staring right at me while I sit on the toilet! What a way to find out the truth, Michael! Sitting. On. The. Can.”

And I was attempting to poop, no less. So it’s not like I could just get up, grab that hair, and shove it in Michael’s face, could I?

Rocking back and forth I tried to calm my nerves. It’s hard to poop when your whole body is tight.

“How did the hair get in the middle of the drain?” I said through clenched teeth.

The sound of shoes on wood told me Michael had gotten up from his chair.

He’d gotten up to say, “Hon! Could you chill out? It’s the second quarter and we’re almost to half time, please shut up for just a few minutes!” And then to head straight back to watching his football game.

I yelled, “Did you shower together? Or maybe she took a bubble bath while you washed her back.And did you play suddsies with the soap and it got on a rag and then transferred to the tub after hot sex against the tile?!”

And why wasn’t this poop coming out?! A groan escaped my lips.

“Lindsey, will you calm down? I can’t hear what Jay Harris is saying.” Even from down the hall I could tell he’d rolled his eyes at me.

I took a calming deep breath to mock, “I’ve noticed you haven’t dyed your hair in a while, but isn’t it usually grey and not brown!?”

“What? Yeah, I’m outta hair dye!” He said, clearly listening to something else, “Could you get some when you go to the store tomorrow?”

At that moment, my poo started to poke out. But it didn’t seem to want to come out fully, so I wiggled a little trying to find the best position. Anger filled my body. Anger at my cheating boyfriend, anger at my shy poop! Shy poop – it’s the only thing shy about me.

He took his voice up in volume,“Look, honey, I don’t know what you’re going on about and the game is about to come back on, so would you hurry up in there so you can grab the Tostidos? And a beer. I need another beer!”

Taking a deep breath I pushed out my anger and my poop.

“You asshole!” My words got lost as my butt exploded.

“Hun?” Michael’s voice almost sounded concerned, “You doing alright in there? Did ya fall in?”

“Yeah! I’m just fine!” I cried. Tears starting to slide down my cheek.

“Okay. Oh yeah, just so you know, my brother, Pat, is going to be staying with us for a while. You’d like him. He’s got that long-brown-hair hippy look you love.”

I flushed.

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